One month later, I got a panic attack again. This time it was in the middle of my class. In one of the classes, my teacher’s mic developed a technical snag and the sound started getting distorted. That single event was enough to trigger a massive panic attack. It may not seem like the most logical thing but that is how trigger works, any random thing can pull it off. I ran out of the classroom, without giving any explanation to my teacher. I kept pacing towards my PG accommodation. Thinking absolutely nothing, just trying not to pass out on the way. My vision was blurry. I was completely disoriented. I don’t remember how much time it took me to reach, but I remember just gulping down a lot of water when I got back. The feeling again subsided in some time.

This pattern repeated, and the frequency of panic attacks was now increasing. Now even when the attacks subsided, I didn’t feel so good. I was fully convinced that one of these days I am going to drop dead from one of these attacks. I tried talking to my mom about it, but what was I supposed to say? She herself was taking anti-depression pills. It would have been unfair to expect any sort of support from her. I couldn’t even explain my symptoms. I wasn’t sure what I was going through. I remember feeling completely alone. I used to go to a nearby park in the evening and weep for hours. I started doing all the things I always wanted to do before dying. I learnt to play snooker. I went to movies alone. I even went to a doctor, who wrongly diagnosed me of jaundice and even started treating me for it. My life was completely miserable. I was spending my life in terror. Every few hours a massive panic attack would hit and leave me in pieces. In addition to that, by this time I didn’t even know that these were panic attacks.

I finally decided to get my heart checked up. I went to the most expensive heart surgeon in town and told him my symptoms. I remember, he prescribed me 11 tests.  I sat in the sun outside the hospital the whole day waiting for my reports. The reports came and the doctor said I was completely healthy. Then he did something that completely changed the course of events. He referred me to the psychiatry department. The psychiatrist listened to my whole life’s story and finally explained what could have possibly gone wrong. I may not have realized it, but my subconscious mind had been in extreme pressure for the past two years.

With the demise of my father, I had assumed way too much superficial responsibility on myself, even for the things that were not even in my control. Add to that, the ‘pressure cooker’ lifestyle of Kota. It all burst out when I failed to clear any entrance exams. This sent my brain into a fight or flight mode (the same mode in which your brain goes into when a bull is chasing you. Only difference was that this bull was invisible).

The mere explanation of my symptoms pulled me out of the depression I had slipped into. I had a therapy session every 15 days. Some medications were prescribed too, which went on for the next one year. The panic attacks didn’t disappear overnight. I kept having them for months even after my diagnosis. But my battle with anxiety disorder taught me a lot of things. Things don’t scare me easily now. I developed an appreciation for my life which I never had before. I started respecting the health of my mind. I started protecting my mind in the same way I protect the rest of my body from injuries. I developed a mechanism to recognize information which would injure my mind. I started staying clear of toxic people. I started feeding on as much positivity as I can. I started taking risks. I started living my life for my own happiness before anyone else’s.

One thing I always advise people is that whenever you feel that there is something wrong with you, something as slight as an anxious sleepless night, go and talk to a doctor. Many people have ignored their mental well-being and have ended up killing themselves. Medications for your mental health is not a bad thing at all. Stay clear of people who ask you to “just take a walk in the park” to heal your mental disturbances. If you can’t heal pneumonia by taking a walk in the park, there is no way you can treat a mental medical condition by taking a walk in the park.

– Ankit Shrivastav