“It creeps in very silently. There is a very high chance that by the time you realize that there is something wrong with you, you will be covered in cold sweats with a heart rate of 140.”
After my dad passed away, 6 days after my 10th boards, I was packed and dispatched to Kota. The goal was to not let this loss get to me, and mess with the crucial years of my academics. A logical thing to do to a teenager, except that it doesn’t work. It just snoozed the alarm which was destined to go off any time in future. Ticking like a time bomb, it went off two years later. I wrote my 12th boards, gave my engineering entrance examinations, and absolutely messed up. I couldn’t clear any of the entrance exams I appeared for, and my board’s marks were not impressive as well. That meant only one thing, one more year in Kota. It felt like a sentence.
The first panic attack I got was in my hometown (Bhagalpur) itself. It was just a few days before leaving for Kota again for my repeaters’ year coaching. It was the middle of the night, and I woke up with cold sweats. My heart was pounding. The feeling was so terrible that I was convinced I was going to die. I was gasping for air. The feeling was similar to the one when you accidentally skip a step, the only difference being that it won’t go away and that there were no steps. It was completely random. I thought I was going into cardiac arrest, I tried jumping up and down, to enhance my blood flow. About 20 minutes later, the feeling started dimming down. I felt better again. I went back to sleep and forgot that anything ever happened.